"What if..."

"What if you should decide, that you don't want me there by your side..that you don't want me there in your life..?"

Last week I made a semi-stealth visit to Houston. There's no point in hiding it now - 90% of the people in my life knew exactly where I was. It's just that in a world governed by facebook, email, and other social media that I can't be bothered with, it's a bit overwhelming to plan a trip home, see everyone I know, and still make a dent in the never-ending To Do list. So I didn't announce it - I just reached out to a few key friends that I physically and emotionally need to spend time with when I am "home".

Anyone that knows me knows I have a wide net of friends that represents almost every phase of my life - my home town and the idyllic neighborhood my childhood friends and I grew up in, high school, the other high school, college, my year in Italy, my sad attempt at life in the art world, my early Houston years, Australia, my second Houston life and the insanely small world that is Oil & Gas, and now Lagos. Somewhere along the way I met even more amazing people that don't even fit into those categories. A woman who was in my birthing class/weight watchers class/writing seminar/(insert an activity here!), a friend of a friend who has since moved away. Case in point - my friend Kim who went to Boston University and just happened to meet a friend of mine at a wedding in New England had just moved to Houston. We had our first "date" at the Front Porch Pub in Midtown and have been fast friends ever since. My friend Melanie went to Rice and knows everyone in Houston but we didn't meet until our daughters were both "the new kids" at our daycare. Let me tell you - nothing bonds you quicker than being working moms with the same wardrobe and same aged daughters! Plus - she is a rock star and I am so lucky to have her. In 2005, my friend Kelley and I were literally in labor down the hall from each other but didn't meet until several months later. Again, we met through our daycare but the number of times we may have crossed paths in a former life are, well, freakishly fateful.

Despite the fact that almost my entire family and everyone I ever knew until I was 27 lives on the East Coast - my friends in Houston have become my anchor - more so now that I live this crazy roller-coaster life.  I haven't mentioned everyone because sometimes words are just not enough. Sometimes there are people in your life that fit into such a small and inexplicable niche that describing what they mean to you is harder than explaining how you know them. Maybe it is because I experienced so many of life's major milestones in Houston - our first house, my first real job, our first baby; it's hard to verbalize how that city has impacted my world. Even stranger when I openly admit that I never really wanted to live there in the first place. Maybe it is because we just keep going back there. Maybe I need to admit that the city itself has, over time, become our home, despite taking any chance I can find to tell the world I am actually just an Irish girl from Boston - without the accent anyway.

This is why returning to my Houston life, for even a short time, can be emotional and confusing. My life there has only existed in short spurts - two or three years at a time and even then, fragmented by major life changes like careers and children. For me, attempting to casually email a close friend about a home visit is akin to a small panic attack. What if they don't have time for me? What if they are upset with me for leaving? What if they have a new best friend? And why wouldn't they? Haven't I done the same? Moved on, made new best friends, anchored myself in a new place and to new people whom I lean on for all things great and small? What if my life there was just a phase like any other and now that phase is.. over? gulp.

My dad frequently echoes that old saying, "You can't go home again". It always sounds melancholy but it's actually good advice. It forces you to re-set your expectations and accept the life you have built for yourself despite what you may have left behind. It is also a good reminder that other people have moved on too. You can't fault people for doing what you, yourself, have been doing all along. You can't expect your old life to stay on Pause while you continually hit Fast-forward. 

The truth is, no matter how much you try, you will always be the one that left and others will always feel left behind. Some friendships are just better at surviving it than others.

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