"I Know What I Know"

"I know what I know, I'll sing what I said; We come and we go, that's a thing that I keep in the back of my head" 

This weekend my fabulous stewardess left for the week to get married. Everyone who knows me knows this because I have been going on and on about it. Not so much because she is leaving me (for a whole week!) but because I am so excited for her. Also, she is leaving me for a Whole Week! 

It's unnatural really, my attachment to her. I ask the world of her every day and she gives it to me without pause. But she is anything but a servant - she is very strong headed and shares her opinions with me - daily, but that's what I like about her! The really odd thing is that when I worked full time and had 2 kids in 2 different schools and E traveled constantly, I still resisted getting a nanny. And yet living here and having help go hand in hand. I do know a few mothers who do not have a nanny or cook. Some have a maid that just cleans and irons, some have no help. But I just can't fathom it. This is mostly because my stewardess is so amazing (and my friends hate me for it). We originally hired her as our "stewardess" which means she does a bit of shopping and errand running, cooks a bit, and cleans a bit; basically a little of everything. But my Venus (yes I'm still using a pseudonym for her) does A LOT of everything!

Last week before she left town, she let me take her to the salon for a manicure and pedicure. She resisted at first by telling me there was a lady "under the bridge" who does pedicures for N1500 (the salon charges about N3500). I basically made her go under the guise that I had a party that night so I was going too. She still resisted the manicure until I told the ladies she was getting married - at which point we bullied her into getting acrylic nails!

I explained to the ladies that we wanted to sit together (side by side spa chairs) so we could talk. It was then that the woman asked me if Venus was "my brother's sister". I found this really interesting. Did she ask that because she knew she was my nanny/maid/stewardess but wasn't sure how to ask? Did she think the only way we could be related is if my brother was her husband? I just laughed and said, "Well, she's my everything" which always makes Venus laugh too. The woman looked intrigued and so I followed with "She's my right arm". I could tell that didn't translate very well! Finally I just explained that she takes good (very good!) care of us so it was my turn to treat her to something special.

Watching Venus get pampered was fun but I could tell she didn't like being badgered by the salon ladies (they had now moved on to pushing fake eye lashes on her) so I asked her a little bit about her fiance and the wedding.

Venus is from a large Muslim family. She has 8 siblings and her mother is her father's 'First Wife' which I understand to be a very important distinction. Her father had 2 more wives and about 20 more children. She has hundreds of cousins. They were all raised in Togo ("Togo North" as Venus says) which is not far from Lagos on the map but very very far when one takes a bus to get there. French is her native language.

10 years ago Venus had planned to marry a different man but he had converted to Christianity which her family was not happy about. By then, her sweet little daughter was already on the way - something I have to assume her family was not happy about either but I didn't pry. The details are a bit muddled after that but I understood the man had had many girlfriends and so the family agreed she should not marry him under any circumstances. (also interesting since Muslim men have many wives!) Ultimately she moved to Lagos with a newborn and has worked for herself ever since.

At some point Venus met her fiance who was also from Togo and from her village. She said he had asked to marry her when her daughter was first born, again when she was 5 and again when she was 8. She told him she wouldn't marry until she had her own house - one she has been building "little by little" in Togo. (I told you she was strong willed!) She said that she knows too many women who marry with nothing and end up with nothing. She has shown me the blue prints of her house and she is so proud! Eventually she must have felt confident in her house and her future as she finally said she would marry him - but only if she could finish her assignment in Lagos (i.e working for us).

When I first heard this, I felt terrible. I made it clear to her that she could move back to Togo at any time and her commitment to us should not be a factor in any way. She wouldn't hear of it - of course but I still felt bad. Now, I understand that working for us helps her secure a future for herself and her daughter- regardless of what her fiance brings to the table.

The wedding will be 3 days long and Venus has several traditional outfits to wear. There is a day of prayer followed by two days of dancing and feasting. She doesn't wear traditional muslim clothing in Lagos; in fact she loves blingy jeans and purses. But it was really fun to watch her bring home the fancy fabrics and show me how the tailor would sew them for her. She also bought lots of pins and jewelry to secure her head scarves. I lent her a sparkly purse and she found both shoes and a necklace to match it at the big market in Lagos. She was very excited!

After listening to her amazing story, I boldly asked if her fiance would take other wives, as he is Muslim too. She said there is a point in the ceremony where the Officiant asks if the man would like a "polygam or molygam" marriage. Apparently she told him that if he answered "Polygam", she would walk straight out of the church! And then she and all the ladies in the salon laughed really hard.

This is a woman that knows what she wants and I just love her for it! Even if she is leaving me for a Whole Week! ;)

You know the really amazing part? She asked her cousin to stay in her flat and work for me while she is gone.

 

 

 

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